Jourdan's Blog

Illegal... it's the new black, and by black I mean Obama

2010-05-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

Is there something really wrong with what Arizona is doing? The answer is no. Plain and simple. If someone is doing something illegal, they should be punished. If someone broke into my house, should I be expected to say, "Hey, stay for dinner and can I offer you some money from my children's piggy banks?" The answer is still no. But, illegal is the new black. The fact that Obama is criticizing Arizona for following the rules is an outrage. Goodbye America... I've enjoyed watching you on the Colbert Report. And now you're dead.

Can I Get Fries With That?

2008-08-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

I was speaking to a very good friend of mine and he was telling me about how lazy society is today. It got me thinking... I was out to eat at a fast food restaurant the other night. It was late, so only the drive up was open. We ordered food and ate outside. When we finished we went to the trash can that was probably 300 feet away. Another good friend of mine exclaimed, "What were the pioneers complaining about? They don't know what bad is." Now, don't get me wrong, it was generously hilarious. I laughed... a lot. He said that and what do you know; a Schwans truck drives by. It reminded me of a song, so I got on itunes on my phone and bought a song. It was an exhausting night. I slept like a baby.

I'm trying to get into the habit of riding the train and walking more. It's hard to break being lazy. Not that I'm lazy. I just prefer to sit and lay down.

Too soon?

2008-07-31T21:39:00.001-07:00

Money, Money, Money

2008-07-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

Money, Money, Money must be funny in this rich man's world.

I recently had a good friend of mine tell me that I'm in debt because I want to be. He said I was afraid of money and that's why I'm in debt. I didn't know how to take it, but I thought about it and have decided that he was "right on the money" when he said it. Well, I don't wanna be afraid anymore so I've set something up that is really making me watch my spending habits. It's working out very well so far. Just not spending money for a 24 hour period is difficult. A week is ridiculous, but I'm getting better. Try it. It isn't that easy.

Sleep: The New Faux Pas

2008-06-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

If there is anything I hate more than waking up in the morning, it's going to bed at night. There is so much time wasted in sleeping. I could be bettering my skills in playing an instrument, exploring the beautiful outdoors, or better yet... playing my new Indiana Jones Lego Adventure Game for PS3.

Let's imagine I decided to ignore my body's need for sleep. Let's say I haven't actually done this before... because, I haven't. If you don't believe me that's YOU'RE problem, so shut up. Anyway, in this fictional story about to ensue, I stay up all night playing Indiana Jones Lego Adventure. In the morning I shower and go to work. My eyes are blood shot, but that's okay. I bought new glasses so that nobody would be the wiser. The glasses however, have one flaw: they don't change expressions. A customer is talking to me, angry about something, I don't know for sure because I'm having trouble paying attention from no sleep. In their anger, they take my constant expression as a sign of not caring that they're angry. They tell my boss. My boss talks to me about it in anger. My boss thinks I don't care because of the constant expression. My boss fires me and I'm suddenly unemployed... AGAIN!

In this fairy tale esque story, getting no sleep is bad... and so is releasing your personal frustrations on a blog.

Mother Nature's Beauty

2008-06-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

I went exploring the vast Mother Nature today... in a Jeep. I didn't want to get dirty, I mean, I'm not superficial, I just like nice things. So, I went up this mountain in my buddy's Jeep. Of course I was in the back seat with two girls... so, really I COULD have been exploring the vast (your) Mother Nature today... in a Jeep. I didn't catch their names, so I'm not sure if there's a relation or not. Send me a picture and I'll tell you if you look alike... in a Jeep.

This is a picture of your mom's great creations and I don't mean YOU.

You're So Vein?

2008-06-15T23:56:00.000-07:00

My voluptuous rose has been plucked from me.

The petals wilting, I imagine, I see.

The thorns once drew blood from my veins,

I now long for those deep wounds and pains.

The long stem which hold this delicate song,

is now in a place unable to provide sustenance... no, not Hong Kong.

If anyone has seen my beautiful flower, PLEASE,

bring it back to me in one piece.

Not two, four,

or even more.

But bring it how you took it,

A lovely flower.

If you think or want this message to be about you, please post a reply.

Health Care & Gas Prices Now Comparable

2008-06-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

Gas prices really suck right now. I was watching a movie and they passed a gas station and the gas price was 84 cents. Eight-four cents! Now, I think most of you can remember that being the norm. I can. Well, I keep watching and they blow up the gas station. I think to myself, if that were to happen to a gas station now, the owner would be hurting a whole lot more than they would have just ten years ago. If that happened now, you may as well commit suicide because that's going to be worse than trying to buy a small, non oil-filled, country.

That's it! I'm going to build an electric car with 30 batteries in it so I can drive to the moon and back and have energy to spare. Anyone going to join me?

Playing Second Fiddle

2008-06-11T23:34:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I'm a pianist. Those of you who don't know... hello! And I'm a pianist. There, now we're friends. I like to take songs and destroy them. People think I'm good. I know how to fake it. You may find yourself asking, "How can someone fake being good at the piano?" Well, it's a secret and I'm not telling. I used to be a con artist. I've just twisted that talent into something I can get complimented on without people being guilty by association and then being sentenced fifteen to life.

Moving on, I love to play piano and I love leading choirs. I love music in general. I do NOT love it when people are leading choirs or musical functions and they ask me to be involved and when I get there I find out it's because they didn't know what they are doing and now suddenly they want me to take control, but they don't say the words. If you're reading this and you're offended... well... shame on you and you're probably offended because I meant to offend you. I also hate it when I'm asked to do things like this and I go and I'm the only one expected to be dedicated to be to all rehearsals. Trust me, I WILL BE dedicated... on one condition... everyone else needs to be. I'm done wasting my time. Call me Prima Donna or whatever, but there you go.

I like to play anything really. I like it when it's flowing so well that it's almost like it playing me instead... you know, like some of my girlfriends have done.

Patience is a vir...chew! Bless you...

2008-06-11T00:19:00.000-07:00

I'm going to mainly be doing humorous blog posts, but I want to throw in some serious pieces here and there... please, bear with me.

Have you ever missed someone who will be gone for an extended period of time? I'm sure you have. Whoever it may be. Perhaps someone you love who is on a mission, a dear one who is in the military in an unknown land, maybe even a deceased relative or friend who awaits you on the other side.

How does a person keep this hourglass out of sight? We all know that just waiting around does nothing. A watched pot never boils. What do YOU do? I for one hate waiting. I want to be with that person right now! I don't want to "keep myself occupied" or "find something productive to do with my time". I only want to be with that person. I don't like the idea that somewhere between six and nine moons shall pass away (lunar cycles) before I can see this person again.

It makes me want to break down and cry. Gentlemen, It's like when you're having a really bad day and you think you've made it through it all without breaking down. You have control and you go use the restroom one last time for the day... out of nowhere... a split stream. I for one break at that very moment.

Understanding Women

2008-06-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

So, here I am sitting with two gals. They are talking about "girl talk" stuff. My acute man mind could not possibly comprehend what they discuss. "I pick out my clothes for the week at the beginning of the week and wash them all together." I don't get it. How could you think that far ahead. I'm lost.

"I tried to use Nads once. That stuff burns. It hurt my leg so bad." Yes, these are direct quotes. Are you as confused as my little insignificant male cranium? I certainly hope so.

You may translate what I'm saying as sarcasm. That's weird.

No, I'm just trying to communicate how much I hate sexism. I hate it when women are sexist. Male minds could not possibly comprehend what this is, but I hear it's horrible.

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to...

2008-06-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

So, this Sunday is my birthday. No, I'm not going to be one of those annoying friends who's like, "You know, my birthday is coming up. You should plan a surprise party and we should all celebrate it in my name." But, I wouldn't stop anyone from doing so.

Anyway, I forgot how old I'll be turning. I had to look at my driver license! Is that pathetic or what? Again, anyway, I'll be turning 23. Why is it that the older you get, the more you don't care about your birthday? When I was a young little chap, my grandparents would pick me up on my birthday and we'd go fishing and out to eat. It was great! I'd be so excited that I'd wait outside for them to come with my backpack for 2-3 hours before they actually came. It was a lot of waiting, but it was like Christmas morning, where you wake up at 4 AM and have to wait 3 hours for anyone else to get up and go open presents from the long awaited Santa Clause. At that point, I would go on a secret mission to the Christmas Tree and I'd feel like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, because every year I got in trouble for going through presents alone. It was worth it. But on those birthdays, there was no mission I could go on to hurry things up. I had to wait for old people to get their butts to my house. I would have driven over there, but I couldn't see over the steering wheel.

So, I care a little less than last year. My birthday last year kind of sucked though. Maybe that's the answer. Your "friends" stop caring and in turn, so do you. Thanks friends!

Up next... Pigs who refuse to eat Jews?

2008-06-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

I think my biggest pet peeve is people who have core values of loving everyone and being accepting and they get all caught up in being good that they are afraid to associate with people who happen to be gay or whatever. It's like, "I love you... as long as you are almost exactly like me." You know what that's called? Naziism! Bam! I said it. All you people who don't like me because I'm beautiful... ya, you are a Nazi. And not the good kind either. I mean, I'm into the whole killing innocent babies and families and stuff, but at least that kind of Nazi does it with love.

My second biggest pet peeve is when people put toilet paper on the roller backwards.

Hydrogen Peroxide

2008-06-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

You're probably wondering what someone could have to say about hydrogen peroxide... well, you're about to learn a lot. Think you already know what I'm going to say? I promise you've missed the most important section.

I recently had someone approach me about the medical miracle of hydrogen peroxide. It can help your body do many incredible things. Increase blood flow, increase the oxygen count in your blood, help rid of acne and even more incredible... cure cancer. Cancer cannot live in oxygen. Oxygen kills cancer, if you will. All you have to do is drink water that is 1 part hydrogen peroxide and 50 parts water, spray yourself with that same solution after showering and keep the solution in a dark area until you use it. Hydrogen peroxide loses it's potency and in essence dies in light areas. There's of course more to it, but that's the gist.

So, I got to thinking. What if I got cancer and used this? It would increase the oxygen in my blood and kill the cancer over time. This would be an incredible thing that my family, friends and I would be grateful for for a great deal of time to come... or would we.

So I keep using it because I want my body to flow as smoothly as possible. I'm living life, having a grand ol' time and my body becomes too perfect. I suddenly can't go out in sunlight because you are what you eat... or, in this case, consume. I am essentially hydrogen peroxide and when I'm in the light I die. What's to say that I wouldn't stay in the dark and get a taste for human flesh. I'm just saying... it could happen.

In fact, Hollywood should make a movie about it.

Just to clear up any confusion, I don't drink it because I'm scared I'll eat you.